February 2011 ~ Alone In Grief

Just A Thought ~ 2011 > February 2011 ~ Alone In Grief

February 2011 ~ Alone In Grief

Feb 2, 2012

Grief is a lonely place to be as it seeps into our lives for an undetermined time due to foreseen and unforeseen circumstances. Have you noticed how many people avoid conversations about what is grieving you perhaps to dodge what is right before them acting as if it is not noticeable or possibly worthy of mentioning in your time of need?

I find that grief is an emotion that is given an incredible amount of unnecessary attention thus, power, due to the fact that so many people may force themselves not to acknowledge it whether it be in their own lives or another’s life. Why do so many of us sustain these unseen boundaries between ourselves ~ is it because we are too busy with our own lives that we tend not to notice when someone is grieving? Do we excuse ourselves because it is proper etiquette to be polite? Say words that are empty and meaningless because at least we said something instead of nothing at all? Remarks that do not hold up or give any weight in the matter may show the depths of our superficiality more than we know.

This is not a comfortable subject for the majority of people and, if you are still reading this, then I think you may be the minority. Perhaps it is because at some point in your life you, yourself, have felt grief and are ready to let others know just how important it is to show up and not just be counted but to genuinely want to be there for the person who is grieving. Sometimes words are not enough but we all can usually tell when a person is being sincere. Grief may bring out the worst in people but it is a journey that can also bring out the best in us. Maybe at some point, the grieving person will be able to express what they are feeling in the moment and feel safe while doing so. And yes, these thoughts, that many people would term as “crazy” are usually not comfortable to hear or share with another but they are so important to release, at times, with another person. Even a dear friend doesn’t want you to “go there” because they are scared to either see that side of you or they simply just don’t know what to say or do to help you through this difficult time. This is one of those times that our formal schooling does not provide the education that life gives us and it is left up to the family and sometimes, society alone, to direct us as we mature as to how to respect one another in such a dire time of need.

Crazy thoughts…yes, I’ve had them myself when I was grieving over the years for a boyfriend who was killed in a car accident while he was driving home to see his father on Father’s Day morning over twenty five years ago. I know…we don’t talk about these thoughts with others and mostly, we keep them to ourselves because if we told other people what we were thinking or re-living over and over again well then, they just might commit us to the asylum with white walls. Instead, many of us are committed to the asylum with the dark walls within ourselves ~one that we are usually forced to explore on our own.

Most people like to think that grief is temporary and believe that the grieving period is over when the body has been buried. In my opinion, I think that the shock of the situation may be wearing off a little at that point and the transition into grieving may begin. If only the process of grieving were as easily regimented as it appears it should be to some people. You know them ~ the ones who think that you should get over it now and move on with your life and find another substitute because it is the best thing for you to do and it will help you get on with your life. Personally, I moved on with my life after a few years of what I would call a spiritually tortured existence. I did not know what to do with myself and struggled with the prospects for my future life in regards to career and especially love (you may refer to the 2008 Holiday newsletter Connect ~ Connect~ Connect). Since I have previously addressed some of those moments in another newsletter what I want to address in this newsletter is how can we help each other and share some personal insights into grief.

First of all, if you are a friend to the person ~ don’t disappear. What I mean by that is don’t think that you are helping by avoiding any conversations about the loss (whatever it may be) ~ in my case, a love. One friend of mine did not mention my boyfriend’s name for over twenty years after he died ~ can you imagine how it felt when she said his name to me when she finally asked me a question about him? Why did it take so long for her to acknowledge and raise him up from the dead? I can only imagine but speculation may not help us better understand when it comes to another’s actions or lack of actions. I will say that it added to my confusion at the time but again, looking back shortly after the experience I realized that she meant no harm to me ~ she was probably just as shaken and scared as I was and our youth did not prepare either of us for this untimely event. I just needed to figure a way out of the grief and I mostly did the work, by myself ~ or so it seemed at the time.

There is no need to become a full-time therapist for your grieving friend though I do highly recommend seeing a professional who may be able to properly offer counsel as needed. To be a friend an occasional thoughtful question may be welcome but keep in mind the timing may not always be the right time and so, it may be touch-and-go for a while or until the person can find a way to trust and/or open up to you about what is going on inside of them. Yes, emotions are running high and there is a rollercoaster effect that can be experienced so there may never be a good time to ask…but ask anyway when there is time. Remember not to take the comments personally and know that you are trying to help and, even if the person slams the door in your face, at least you tried. Keep trying, every now and then. Another pertinent question may be to ask from your heart to their heart “what do you need from me?” By just being there with them in some form you are being the kind of friend that very few friends know how to be as other friends may have appeared to have seemingly moved on with their lives leaving their grieving friend behind and possibly, alone. And this is when other dark thoughts may come into play.

Just a few short weeks after Jimmie died I recall a time when these thoughts were in my mind and I was terrified because I only saw darkness in my future and did not want to “see” what lay ahead. One night after spending most of the evening with some friends I found myself lying in bed feeling emotions I had never felt before and unsure as to what to do next. While I lay there in the dark I was overcome with emotion and a deep pain that became unbearable. Out of fear I asked for God to help me because I didn’t know what else to do and it was late and felt I had nowhere else to turn. Within seconds the telephone rang and it was my friend, Tammy, whose apartment I had just returned from visiting her one hour before the call. I curiously inquired as to why she was calling so late and she said she was calling to talk. As soon as I heard her voice something inside of me knew that God was “using” her to show me that he was listening to my pleas for help in one of my darkest moments. I knew deep in my soul that God heard me ask for help and I was relieved to know that he utilized someone so special to me to just call me late that night for no “apparent” reason. I wondered if she sensed that God spoke to her and she listened and acted on His behalf for she had lost her mother just a few months before my own loss.
What I am leading in to at this point is for us to determine if we listen when we are called to take action, write a card, give a hug, and help out someone else in some way even though we may not know them when we see them face to face? Sometimes we treat strangers better than we treat our own (friends, family, co-workers, etc). Jesus said, as it is noted in Matthew 7:12 (New King James Version), “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Some of you may know these words when reminded of The Golden Rule “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Take a look around you ~ and see if there is someone you know, maybe it is a neighbor, a friend, a classmate or colleague. Has God spoken to you and asked you to do something for them? Have you heeded the call or are you keeping yourself too busy with mundane tasks so you can avoid helping a person who needs your assistance or possibly seeing the person you truly are? Thank God that I was blessed to have many people, some I never even knew, help me when I stumbled and fell over the years while I was blinded with grief. I am eternally grateful to them for their gifts of faith, love, hope, and prayers they sent and shared with me.
Take another look ~ and this time, listen to your heart and see if God is speaking to you there ~ see if you choose to live now as a child of God.
Yes, I believe all things are possible with God. Some people call them miracles…

Michaelene
Intuitive Consultant (Business, Personal, Hospice Transitions)
www.Sun2SoulTransitions.com

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